Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Five thoughts about love

Love is a monkey. True love is a monkey in a top hat. Immortal love is a monkey in a top hat peeing on a chicken.

It’s better to marry someone you hate than to drop someone you love in a volcano and then giggle about it.

You never forget your first love or second war crime.

Deep down, all anyone really wants is to be loved, abducted by aliens, and displayed in a Martian petting zoo.

What is love? Is love buying a castle, renovating the dungeon, and hiring goons to capture the people you love? I guess it is.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Replacing dogs with gimps in the bookstore

50 Games to Play With Your Gimp

How to Housebreak Your Gimp in 7 Days

The Other End of the Leash: Why We Do What We Do Around Gimps

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Gimp Tricks

Charlie the Ranch Gimp

Why My Third Husband Will Be a Gimp

Oogy: The Gimp Only a Family Could Love

Through a Gimp’s Eyes

Walter the Farting Gimp: Banned from the Beach

Gimps and the Women Who Love Them

Bad Gimp: A Love Story

Everything Gimp: What Kids Really Want to Know About Gimps

The Multiple-gimp Family

97 Ways to Make a Gimp Smile

Friday, June 24, 2011

Five thoughts about robots

It's 3:19. Do you know where your robot army is?

Science is not about replacing religion with cold facts; it’s about replacing your spouse with a hot sexbot.

Everything’s bigger in Texas, even the government nanobots playing Yahtzee in your brain.

Happy Bring Your Fembot to Work Day!

Strunk and White’s terrifying rule of robotics: “Omit needless humans.”

Monday, June 20, 2011

Five thoughts about orphans

A study shows that cows with names produce more milk. I’m gonna try the same approach at my orphan labor ranch.

If you’re struggling with your New Year’s diet, try putting ranch dressing on the orphans. It helps.

I'm willing to pay more for American-made orphans.

Tossing helpless puppies and orphans into the ravenous maw of Oprah isn’t a duty—it’s a privilege.

You don’t need religion to be a kind, decent person who barbecues orphans for a living.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Five thoughts about Batman

Should I go with my chastity belt, championship belt, or Batman-approved utility belt? Big job interview today.

Overheard: “Technically, milkshakes have taken over the role of...” Batman? I think he was going to say Batman.

For Iron Man, I bet a top pet peeve is when Batman comes over and pees on your couch.

When I die, I hope they say, “We’re not here to mourn. We’re here to audition a new Batman.”

If we can put a man on the moon, we can put Batman on the moon. Let’s hurry. Most moon people are criminal scum.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Five thoughts about the abyss

When you look into the abyss, the abyss poodle licks your eyeballs.

When you look into the abyss through a window at night, the abyss files charges. The abyss doesn’t like that sort of thing.

If you French kiss the abyss, the abyss German kisses you.

When you play footsie with the abyss, the abyss plays soulsie with you.

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss covers its boobs. The abyss is surprisingly modest.

Monday, June 13, 2011

A Bird-to-English Dictionary

I can poop anywhere, and that is awesome.

bup-bup bup-bup-bup
Your haircut stinks!

chwee chwee chwee chwee chwee
You call it preening, but a man’s gotta look his best.

dzeer dzeer dzeer tzee tzee
Someday, I am gonna kill a squirrel or malti-poo.

eeeen eeeen eeeen
I descended from dinosaurs, you know.

If I poop on this guy’s head, you owe me a Coke.

A cat on a leash! A cat on a leash! There is a God after all.

Do we have to practice this formation again? Jesus.

kyew kyew kyew kyew kyew
My third egg is gonna grow up to be a doctor.

ooaah coo coo coo
I know who killed Kennedy.

prrip prrip
I would make a great mate. If you don’t believe me, ask your mom.

This is an instinct! This is an instinct!

No, you jackass, birdsong is learned!

tu-tu-tu tu-tu-tu-tu
If you mess with my eggs, I will cut you.

tzeen tzeen tzeen
Why do I even come back to this craphole every spring?

I love the smell of reproductive success in the morning.

Mate for life? No thanks. I get more ass than a branch.

Woof woof woof!

widdik pik widdik pik pik pik
You’ve got to stop this war in Afghanistan.

An angel getting its wings is bullshit. If anyone needs a new pair, it’s millions of chickens.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Five don’ts

Don’t stop moving towards your goals just because of fear or elephant tranquilizers.

Don’t jump from the frying pan into the bedpan.

Don’t lock the barn door after the Cylons nuked your horse.

Don’t judge a book by its obscene, glow-in-the-dark, pop-up tentacles.

Don’t let a day pass without making at least one person feel like a disposable toilet seat cover.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Five thoughts about Christina Hendricks

At this point in my life, I think I’ve earned courtesy, respect, and nude photos of Christina Hendricks.

Someone should cast Christina Hendricks as a serial killer whose weapon of choice is the chest bump. You’re welcome, Spielberg.

I want Christina Hendricks to have my baby. I just need her address and a baby-sized envelope.

Big government needs rebranding. What if we called it “Gorgeous, voluptuous Christina Hendricks-style government”?

When I die, I hope they say, “We’re not here to mourn. We’re here to console Christina Hendricks, his secret girlfriend.”

Monday, June 06, 2011

Replacing fish with fists in the bookstore

McClaine’s Secrets of Successful Fisting

Fisting Hawaii Style, Vol. 2

Fisting With an Old Friend: A Memoir

Piggy and Dad Go Fisting

Loon Lake Fisting Derby

A Fisting Guide for Kids

Trout Fisting in America

Just Fisting With Grandma

Fisting for Chickens: Short Stories About Rural Youth

Ernest Hemingway Fisted Here

Friday, June 03, 2011

Five maybes

Maybe if other sacraments besides marriage could be consummated, religion would be more popular.

Maybe more kids would stay in school if we called it “Free Beer”.

Maybe if we got Charmin to make our guns, baseball bats, and ninja throwing stars, the world would be a better place.

Maybe work would be more fun if you brought your favorite scepter.

Maybe I do have a God complex. I’ll look into that after I blow up these planets.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Ten questions

Is the Easter Bunny a rodent, marsupial, or succubus?

Are leather pants a symptom or a disease?

Is the first symptom of insanity being mildly intrigued by Cocoa Puffs?

Has anyone ever said “That’s a great question” about a great question?

Are stripper poles and firehouse poles made by the same pole-ologists?

Who’d win a fight between a casual observer and an innocent bystander?

What’s the difference between the sweet spot and the business end?

What if the fabric of the space-time continuum turns out to be spandex?

Is umpty-zillion more than a metric buttload?

What’s deepest: ass-deep, balls-deep, or the poetry of William Blake?