Thursday, April 30, 2009


verb. A difficult process I prefer to circumvent using the exorcism tongs and neuro-spork.

Real citation: "I doubt we’re actually going to feast while un-crazifying me, but I think we should aim for a therapeutic smörgåsbord."
(April 1, 2008, Drunkenatheist,

Made-up citation: "If I had an un-crazifying helmet, I'd add sleeves to it, because a helmet with sleeves would be swanky."


noun. Sounds crapfestacular.

Real citation: "if you love the writers, maybe there's something more here to get off on. if, like me, you could care less and just want a scary movie, or at least a 'meaningful' movie that actually makes some semblence of sense, ditch this self-involved bullshiit and hope for a new 'candyman III' calibre of crapfestitude to assault your eyes and brain. at least it would be fun even if it was no more scary than the brilliantly titled 'house' (hell, i thought it would be a remake of the awesome horror-comedy of the 80's with william katt. indeed, if you've never seen 'house' with katt in it, watch it instead. come to think of it, that one had katt's character separated from his wife because their son disappeared and was presumed dead, rather like the couple on the rocks. geez, maybe it is a remake of sorts. or slightly ripped-off? who knows? who cares?)."
(Nov. 7, 2008, Rotten Tomatoes,

Made-up citation: "My dog thinks it is pure crapfestitude that I am writing and not paying attention to him... But daddy's got to write to pay the bills: organ-harvesting and self-whoring only go so far in this economy."

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


noun. Mmm... Sweet info-whatsits! I feel sorta kinda informed, yet not really.

Real citation: "I'll try to put some more info-ness-ish-esque-whatever later. Peace"
(Feb. 9, 2009, Of the sea...(blub),

Made-up citation: "I'm happy to provide the authorities with copious amounts of info-ness-ish-esque-whatever, but I don't know anything about organ-harvesting or bounty-hunting. I am just a poor polar-bear trainer! Haven't I suffered enough?"

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

metric poo-poo-load

noun. Sometimes the metric system is easy as shit.

Real citation: "a metric poo poo load"
(July 27, 2008, The Something Awful Forums,

Made-up citation: "Only a trained proctologist can tell a metric poo-poo-load by taste. Ew ew ew... Also, gah."

Monday, April 27, 2009


adj. Heavenly--just heavenly--for your ass.

Real citation: "Also, some library books have free patterns (like Sewing Lingerie That Fits has camisol and slip patterns as well as info on how to draft your own snug-non-wedgie-giving-full-coverage sassy underpants)."

Made-up citation: "I agree with Obama's health care plan, except for the snug-non-wedgie-giving-full-coverage provisions. My butthole is picky."


noun. Worse than nano-phlegm. Better than monstro-phlegm. Better than robo-phlegm too.

Real citation: "Dude better give up smoking. He must cough up the most awesome rubber balls of turbo phlegm every morning."
(Sept. 8, 2008, Sidewalk Skateboarding Forum,

Made-up citation: "To prevent the swine flu from infesting my household, I am taking two precautions: 1) no more turbo-phlegm casseroles and 2) henceforth, all conjugal relations with barnyard animals will be carefully monitored by the proper authorities. Just trying to do my part."

Sunday, April 26, 2009


noun. Mmm, sweet gibberish! You're always there for me with your cloaking devices and turbomatrons.

Real citation: "Reading this article gave me a technobabblegasm."
(Dec. 11, 2008,,

Made-up citation: "I just had three technobabblegasms... Man, I need a cigarette and a big dictionary."

Saturday, April 25, 2009


noun. Apparently, an asshole who rides their bike on the sidewalk. Or... a bad, bad muppet.

Real citation: "Yeah, well I don't want to be 'sidewalk-kill' either, so get your bike the hell off the sidewalk. Just today I almost got nailed TWICE by jerkoid bicyclists, and one of them even swore at ME for not watching where I was going! Hey pal, I don't have eyes in the back of my head and neither does anyone else, and in any case I shouldn't have to be on the lookout for bicyclists coming up behind me or beside me. So if you absolutely must be a jagmuppet and ride on the sidewalk where you're not supposed to be, at least warn the people in front of you that you're approaching."
(Sept. 12, 2007, City-Data Forum,

Made-up citation: "To people of my advanced age, Elmo will always be a rancid little jagmuppet. I knew Cookie Monster, and you are no Cookie Monster."

Friday, April 24, 2009


adj. Mmm.... Visions-from-God-itude.

Real citation: "Boggs is a lot quicker on the uptake than Scully, apparently, and rather than using his next break to call an accomplice, responds to the planted article by calling Mulder. Oops! So they interrogate Boggs some more, who gets all prophecy-y again about Mulder and blood and a white cross and stuff. Also, there’s cutaways to the kidnapper and the girl this time, so the episode is pretty much screaming BOGGS IS RIGHT ABOUT THIS STUFF in a fairly unambiguous kind of way."
(Dec. 25, 2008, Mulder's Big Adventure,

Made-up citation: "Today I am in a very, very prophecy-y mood. In fact, I foresee someone, perhaps myself, eating an entire bag of chicken-wing-flavored pretzels, perhaps on a couch or mystical throne. A giant space blob may also be involved."

Thursday, April 23, 2009

catastrophic penis failure

noun phrase. Terrifying tallywhacker tragedy.

Real citation: "A lot of girls consider uncircumcised men to be dirty. Maybe some guys just don't know about proper hygiene? Anyway, I'm uncut and I have yet to experience any kind of catastrophic penis failure."
(Dec. 15, 2007, Digg,

Made-up citation: "What does a man fear more than catastrophic penis failure? Well, giant octo-monsters. That's about it."

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


noun. A thingama-hoo-whacker.

Real citation: "If Donnah finds a pic of DA in a chenille elastic midriff whatchama-doo-jobby, and posts it, I will go on some kind of rampage, and it will not be pretty."
(Aug. 15, 2008, Florida Cracker,

Made-up citation: "If you're not satisifed with your whatchama-doo-jobby, try our new green-glowing-nano-slime-ammo-pack. Our promise to you: it does not remotely taste like Grandma."

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


noun. Look deep into the eyes of Satan. This ye shall find. Also, doesn't he have pretty eyes?

Real citation: "Unshaven-ness is next to Godliness.
Clean shaven-ness is next to Sataniness."
(Aug. 17, 2008, Jolt Forums,

Made-up citation: "I asked Mom about the secret ingredient in her coffee cake. 'Sataniness,' she said with a cackle, before turning into an eight-headed snake monster. Goddamn it, I thought it was cinnamon."


noun. Oh, the cheese-manity!

Real citation: "Quesadilla-palooza
I've been fairly boring on the cooking front lately. Trying to eat healthier has resulted in a series of meals from Subway, lots of fresh fruit, and little creativity on the cooking front."
(April 11, 2009, The Kitchen Mirror,

Made-up citation: "The doctor said my crotch itches because of what the medical community calls a quesadilla-palooza of the groinal region. I think I need a new doctor. And a new crotch."

Monday, April 20, 2009


adj. Lacking all diddly-fiddly attributes, many of which are illegal in the tri-state region.

Real citation: "All that Olympic torch hullabaloo has left me with a dilemma - How am I meant to enjoy the forthcoming Olympic Games when there's all that rottenness going on in Tibet? How can I justify slavering at the prospect of a month's worth of athletics, when all them monks are being arrested and tortured by the Chinese? How can a man possibly enjoy the gymnastics (in a completely wholesome and un-diddly-fiddly way, o'course) when those evil yellow hoards are rampaging through the Most Spiritual Country On Earth© and pissing on the carpets?"
(Aug. 4, 2008, ITTODBTBIA Looks Into...Business,

Made-up citation: "I would make a great bishop. First, I'd fire all the priests, since they seem incapable of behaving in an un-diddly-fiddly manner. I'd let the nuns pick up the slack--not the diddly-fiddly slack, but whatever else priests do, like community-building, demon-exorcising, and confession-wheedling. Where do I apply, Catholic church? I'm reporting for duty."


adj. Oh, the tears. They are wet. Or did I pee myself?

Real citation: "This rain is en-sad-ifying. Even Mr. Top Hat hates it, now his new ascot is RUINED. ::::::::|:( "
(March 26, 2009, scene missing magazine,

Made-up citation: "Gather round, children, for the most en-sad-ifying tale ever told! It's what happened to a panda and a wizard when love had no limits."

Sunday, April 19, 2009


adj. Real good. Real real real real real good. Or better.

Related term: battle-tastic-tacular-gasm-worthy.

Real citation: "The beards have strange magical hypnotizing devices stored away in those spec-tastic-tacular-gasm-worthy muttonchops that just make me swoon."
(Jan. 5, 2009, HoTs on Hooves, link dead)

Made-up citation: "The Bulls win today was kinda spec-tastic-tacular-gasm-worthy... I will now jump on the bandwagon, like the sports whore that I am."

Saturday, April 18, 2009


noun. Old people taking pictures, probably with a soul jar and a can opener.

Real citation: "I think we need a new type of celebrity photog. We have paparazzi, stalkerazzi, glitterazzi. I am in favor of having some geezer-azzis. Today my At Work Friend and I were talking about how we don't actually buy as much Us Weekly, People and the like because the subjects are usually younger than us. I'm sorry, but they have gotten all High-School-Musical on us, and I just don't like it."
(July 15, 2008, Lipstick at the Mailbox,

Made-up citation: "The worst part of living in a nursing home is the geezer-azzi... Second worst is that JFK and Elvis aren't here, like in this movie."

Friday, April 17, 2009


noun. Somewhat more sophisticated that a henchape, I reckon.

Real citation: "3. I have zero sympathy for Kendra, and I sincerely hope she is not the final Cylon.
4. If she is then hopefully Tigh will get his hench-cylon Larry to wack her in the head with a pipe."
(Nov. 25, 2007, GWC Forum,

Made-up citation: "Sir, the hench-Cylons are attacking the hench-commissioners! It's a lackey showdown, a minion smackdown, a stooge cage match... Thank Zeus I'm not a hench-anything. As Assistant to the Regional Manager of Hench-people and Were-things, I can take pride in a job well-titled, plus access to all the paper clips and Viking helmets I need."

Thursday, April 16, 2009

asshat whisperer

noun. A quiet sage with a popular specialty, even in this economy.

Real citation: "Didn't there used to be some dude on FGI that would comprehend Aske posts and translate them for the rest of us to understand? Some sort of Asshat Whisperer."
(April 4, 2008, Golfhos,

Made-up citation: "Excuse me, can you put me through to the asshat whisperer? No, it's not for me! I am an assheadface, thank you very much."

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


noun. Hmm. Well, at least it's not an ap-underwear-alypse, which is so painful in the business zone.

Real citation: "zombie ap-sock-alypse
This is how you read The Forest of Hands and Teeth when you also have a birthday sock knitting deadline. Because there is no option on not doing the socks, but there is also clearly no option to not read The Forest of Hands and Teeth. As your hands are occupied with sock, The Forest of Hands and Teeth has to be held open with elastic bands."
(April 13, 2009, Throwing Away the Breadcrumbs,

Made-up citation: "My new film Ap-sock-alypse Now remakes the famous war movie with sock puppets. If I can get Elmo to play Kurtz, I think he'll get the Oscar (and I don't mean the grouch). That muppet has range!"


noun. Pooageddon time again.

Real citation: "We can only imagine that the combination of college football’s two fecal superpowers–one mythic, one documented–could result in a turdocaust of rogue wave proportions."
(Oct. 24, 2007, EDSBS,

Made-up citation: "There's a big difference between a turd and a turdocaust. How do I make the determination, far from the resources of the Batcave? Well, a turdocaust is on me in some fashion, perhaps like a cheap suit. A turd is on you in some manner, perhaps like an Easter bonnet."

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

sandy butt crack syndrome

noun phrase. Sand in the butt-gina is never restaurant-quality.

Real citation: "sandy butt crack syndrome is a very common and dangerous event which if not treated immediatly can lead to 'itchy ass crack for 3 days disease' and 'omg, i just farted and a plume of sand came out my anus'"
(May 15, 2005, Livejournal,

Made-up citation: "There are many hazards of being a summer camp counselor: toxic lake swims, sandy butt crack syndrome, poo in the pool, felonious co-counselors, and a terrifying fiend of the forest called The Mope. There are even reports of a 'Pope' that supposedly exists somewhere off camp grounds, but I hope that is all hearsay."


adverb. What a terrible modifier! It's like a word without sunshine...

Real citation: "Wow. I think I held the spam off for quite a while, with the exception of that thank-you post that was un-me-ishly brief."
(Dec. 23, 2008, Livejournal,

Made-up citation: "Everything I do, I do un-me-ishly. That's because I am dark and mysterious and paradoxical and free this Friday (hint hint)."

Monday, April 13, 2009

Weird Al-esque-ness-ism

noun. Well, it beats Hitler-esque-ness-ism.

Real citation: "This is the first time I’ve thought of you as having a certain Weird Al-esque-ness-ism. (and other suffixes as well)."
(Aug. 11, 2006, Jonathan Coulton,

Made-up citation: "After our genetic research is complete, no baby will be born with the potential for Weird Al-esque-ness-ism. What a glorious day that will be! We're also making a squirrel that can kill teenagers."


adj. The good old days, when the hills were alive with laughter, not the infernal beeping of marauding killbots.

Real citation: "On reflection, I'm also disappointed in the angels' literalism. All of this has happened before, all of this will happen again, is such a perfect invocation of the cyclic nature of violence, slavery, war, genocide, and all the rest of it. And while we have not yet managed to have a genocidal war with killer robots (that we, uh, know of and stuff) thus far to date, well: hello, angels, history. The cycle lived both in the big killer robot stuff and in the inter-colony disputes (exploitation of Sagittaron) or the misery that was pre-killer-robot inflected New Caprica or in Danny Noon's mangled hands. I seem to remember an awful lot of those cycles, large and small, in human history."
(March 21, 2009, "4-20: "Daybreak Part 2" 2009.03.20," Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "According to a new study, Obama's first term will mark the end of humanity's precious pre-killer-robot era. Hey, we had a nice run..."

Sunday, April 12, 2009


adj. Contempti-yummy.

Real citation: "Using Delay to do his dirty work took a lot of chutzpah, though. Consider that the Republican House leader called the recent antigay remarks by Sen. Santorum 'courageous' and has long fought against federal laws to protect gays from discrimination. Here's a guy who doesn't believe in the separation of church and state, lets fat-cat lobbyists write important legislation, serves as a frontman for the gambling industry, was once Enron's best friend, and waged a successful crusade to allow slave-labor practices to continue in the Northern Mariana Islands. That's not just despicable -- it's despicalicious."
(June 5, 2003, Bob Norman, Broward/Palm Beach News,

Made-up citation: "My most despicalicious act can't be revealed to the world in a blog... Let's just say organ harvesting and homemade peanut butter are two passions that shouldn't be mixed."

Saturday, April 11, 2009


adj. Children are the something! Teach the house apes well.

Real citation: "Now, I’m not a huge fan of “won’t someone please think of the chiiiiiiiilllldrruuuuun?” paranoia and other pro-crotchfruit propaganda, but let’s think this through for a minute."
(Nov. 24, 2006, Blunt Object,

Made-up citation: "Wow, this is a very pro-crotchfruit neighborhood... Strollers everywhere... Store-owners dressed as giant rodents... Free binkies on demand... It's perfect. Time to get out, sweetie! This is your new home. Mommy and Daddy are taking a vacation for forever."

Friday, April 10, 2009


adv. Breastologically.

Real citation: "fear factor seems to have a large number of boobistically enhanced women as contestants"
(March 23, 2003, Show the Crackhead some LOVE!!,

Made-up citation: "We live in a boobistically focused society. We cannot change this, so we might as well make the most of it--by adding perky hoo-has to the Washington Monument."

Thursday, April 09, 2009


noun. Only deep in the depths of a code-4 douchenozzle can this quality be plumbed.

Real citation: "And you are a veritable cornucopia of asshattery and douchenozzlitude."
(Oct. 10, 2008, Chiefs Planet,

Made-up citation: "In the divorce papers, my wife cited douchenozzlitude and my pets as dealbreakers. But I cannot change! And I will not give up Earl, Betty, Barney, Cujo, Frank, Alf, and Bonzo, the meerkats who keep me warm in these dark nights of the soul."

Wednesday, April 08, 2009


noun. A fella like this fella: Gov. Blago-whatsit.

Real citation: "In addition to those state-by-state member numbers, the PPA put out a press release this week announcing its new state directors. Good to see poker players getting more involved in grassroots activity as the politi-dudes looking out for us in Washington DC continue to develop into a real Beltway force. However, there’s one state where the director curiously isn’t named — and that’s Texas."
(March 18, 2009, Pokerati,

Made-up citation: "I thought about becoming a politi-dude, but I'm not sure my program of high taxes, Godless heathenism, and mandatory gay marriage is viable... What if I promise to put stem cells in every smoothie? Would that help?"


noun. Shinier and sturdier than a meatbag, though no less chock full o' scum.

Real citation: "What kind of Al Gore-loving Hollywood pinko ever approved this fucking piece of Marxist trash? To start with, why, just look at the titular robot. See those sad, sagging camera-eyes and rusted metal frame? He's filthier than the emo-loving guitarist scumbag that my daughter took to Exeter's prom. In fact, Wall-E himself is a trash bot! That's right, that little robo-scumbag probably turned to a career in trash collection when he, too, couldn't get into Robot Harvard, and neither Wall-E nor my daughter's emo fag can ever expect anything good in life now."
(July 30, 2008, Capitalist Movie Reviews,

Made-up citation: "You, my chrome friend, are a robo-scumbag! And as your friend, that doesn't say much for me."

Tuesday, April 07, 2009


noun. An expert in the only field more delicious than aerospace engineering. Hey, have you ever tasted an astronaut? They are to die for!

Real citation: "Doc Bernstein appears to be Beth Bernstein; this is the only Dr. Bernstein in Bakersfield. She is (you guessed it) a psychiatrist. She has a phone number as well, but unfortunately it answers only to “You have reached the Department of Psychiatry. Please leave a message.” Perhaps tomorrow will bring an answer to another question: does Dr. Bernstein evaluate children or Big Possums? I don’t see why the little ones need to be evaluated (perhaps such intervention is in their futures, if they continue to be exposed to their mother’s apparent illness). Just a thought, but if PMomma’s problems are purely physical (i.e. LUPUS), why not see a rheumatologist, kidneyologist, skinologist, strokeologist, or pineapple-ologist etc. for all of the ailments she has been complaining about all these months? Nope. The court deems she needs a mental headologist, and she agrees."
(Jan. 7, 2009, Musings from the Moon,

Made-up citation: "My biggest regret? I coulda been a pineapple-ologist, and I woulda, if it weren't for those meddling bounty hunters."


adj. Definitely less than a metric bippy-load.

Real citation: "semi-non-normous list of stuff..."
(April 2, 2008, invisionLimits,

Made-up citation: "I have a semi-non-normous list of talents... That word just makes me feel better about myself than 'diddly-poo' and 'zilcharoonie,' which were harshing my resume's mellow."

Monday, April 06, 2009


adj. Mega-ugh-y.

Real citation: "Just as she got them all settled, a couple of sheets slipped through her fingers and - Awww, shoot! - went spiralling under the bed. I hate Mondays, she groused, setting the rest of the papers on the bed and lying flat on the floor to reach the wayward leaves. But most especially Mondays that pretend to be Tuesdays on the calendar but act all Monday-y when you get to them and then - hey, what's that?"
(June 23, 2005,,

Made-up citation: "I don't know why I hate your face so much... Maybe it just seems so Monday-y, like I'm going to have to look at a series of catastrophic faces all day, or all week, or for the rest of my miserable life. Yeah, that's it. So how was your weekend?"

Sunday, April 05, 2009


noun. A Yiddish lobotomy. Lox is optional.

Real citation: "'economy, schmobotomy'??? You sound like an ostrich with his head in the sand. Not saying it isn't normally sparse at the beach, but facts are rolling in from governments which track the income from late summer and early fall . . . it's evident tourist areas have already dropped noticeably and will continue to drop. And when this second wave of the crisis hits and the markets continue to drop, the outlook is going to be real dismal for next summer."
(Oct. 26, 2008, Outer Banks Message Board,

Made-up citation: "I don't know where you got your information, but I don't perform schmobotomies in my gazebo! But--wink wink--for a small fee, I could do a schmexorcism if you are older than 17."

Saturday, April 04, 2009


noun. A soon-to-be-corpsette.

Real citation: "She's a Man U fan for life man! She'll only ever become a gonerette ... over (your) dead... oh well, your dead team *heh heh*"
(Oct. 6, 2006, A Singapore Gooner's Highs & Lows,

Made-up citation: "Victims of Profound Necro-female Disorder not only wish to be women, but they desperately want to be gonerettes. Fortunately, this rare and horrific disease only exists on this blog, where I just made it up."

Friday, April 03, 2009


noun. It's either a dog or somebody's been playing with my stem cells again... I told you kids to stay out of the evil lab!

Real citation: "You mean I paid $6,000 for my Purebread Chidorkiedoodlepookin and now you're telling me it's just a mutt???"
(2008, Yahoo Answers,

Made-up citation: "Will you please put your Chidorkiedoodlepookin on a leash? It's scaring my swaddling infant, and our Australian schnauzer-doodle-whatever-poo isn't much protection."

Thursday, April 02, 2009


noun. Don't cry over spilled beer? I'm weeping and barfing just thinking about it...

Real citation: "But Baby Mamma backed into The Waiter and he was carrying a tray full of freshly drawn beers. Fortunately he was quick on his feet and avoiced a beer-tastrophe, but his smile was little more than a transparent look of frustration. A look that the entire restaurant would soon take on because every 10 minutes there was a Darling baby fly-by and even though Darling Baby was darling and drooly and dimple-y, Baby Daddy and Baby Mamma didn't have the good sense to sit down and eat like normal people."
(March 27, 2008, Diary of the Food Whore,

Made-up citation: "I live in fear of beer-tastrophes, which is why I drink all my beer out of a sippy cup. The binkie is for moral support."

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

baked in stupidity sauce

verb phrase. A great recipe for duh and guh and huh?

Real citation: "Maybe that's splitting hairs. After all, the Colonists all deciding, 'We must give up anything resembling technology!' was just flat out baked in stupidity sauce. I thought it was pretty clear that their answer was a sad, grasping, and desperate as Tyrol killing Tory in the name of someone who he once ranted about pretty convincingly as being the option he took because he had no others. It felt to me like Lee deciding that "We suck too much, still. Even after all we've been through, I don't think we're capable of changing enough to not start killing each other." Hence the sprinkling the population all over the globe."
(March 21, 2009, "4-20: "Daybreak Part 2" 2009.03.20," Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "Most new ideas are baked in stupidity sauce, but have you thought of this: Let's train leprechauns to fight cockroaches, and then sell tickets. While the dudes are watching and high-fiving, we sleep with their wives and sell their children. Finally, with everyone distracted, we nuke the planet. Pretty sweet, huh? That's the end of phase one."