Friday, October 31, 2008


noun. A micro-piece of mini-steak, fit for a bug.

Related terms: nano-eternity.

Real citation: "Who has the nanofilet, and who has the fasting platter?"
(Nov. 3, 2008, Drew Dernavich, The New Yorker,

Made-up citation: "I wish I could say I owed my weight loss to working out and eating nanofilets, but I did it the natural way: pact with the devil. And as soon as I turbo-Satanize these ballots and kittens, we'll be even."


noun. Bullwinkle! You naughty boy.

Real citation: "Mussolini left a great legacy of homoerotic art.
The real problem is that mooseploitation has no place in politics.
(Oct. 8, 2008,

Made-up citation: "This has been a great year to be a director of tasteful mooseploitation films. And if Palin wins, I'm building three houses."

Thursday, October 30, 2008


noun. A butticular celebration that has many cousins.

Real citation: "Bud is perfectly fine for what it is - a light, somewhat sweet American pilsner. If I'm at the beach, I'm not reaching for a Asstoberfest frappe. I'm grabbing a Bud. I used to drink Pabst and Miller, but in recent months, those beers have tasted so vile that I've sworn off them forever."
(Sept. 19, 2008, The Noise Boston,

Made-up citation: "In honor of this fine Asstoberfest, I am getting my fourth point of contact exorcised by a local troupe of freelance proctologists who know where the deadliest of demons dwell."

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


noun. The study of doowhackeys and hickeymadoodles and you know, what-have-yous.

Real citation: "Now the only difference between x-ray glasses and high flown philosophy, theology, or whatsitology . . . actually, there really isn't any difference. And this is the lesson for today."
(Oct. 4, 2008, Blog and Mablog,

Made-up citation: "I received a Ph.D. in advanced whatsitology, but what can I do with this degree? Invent a better paleo-whatsit-doohickey-phallic-device?"


adj. Like lexical, but instead of words, there are bulges--the kind of unsightly bulges only a real American is packing.

Real citation: "I didn't realize that these were not your run-of-the-mill tummy tucking and thigh smoothing hose until I broke them out on Sunday. As I struggled mightily to get the hose ON my body without poking a fingernail through them, I realized that something was amiss--there was a strangely tight-feeling band located across my butt. I checked myself in the mirror and noted a two inch wide spandex band running across the back of the pantyhose. What strange device was this? From its current location, it was producing a double-butt effect that was bizarre, to say the least. Butt to the top, butt to the bottom, line of elastic bisecting the two: red butt, blue butt, in a way. Then I realized the spandexical elastical doohickey was meant to reside UNDER the cheekal area, in order to lift and separate. Oh goodie. Now I could have Shelf Booty! With kung fu grip! After another five minutes of struggling, realigning and tucking, everything was in its proper place and I was thanking the deodorant gods that I had chosen the Heavy Duty variety of Secret Solid."
(Nov. 10, 2004, Tightly Wound,

Made-up citation: "Alfred! My Bat-panties are in a bunch. Contact the spandexical support team and fetch the Bat-pole, stat."

popular as wet socks

idiom. Lower in the polls than dry socks. Higher in the polls than wet underwear.

Real citation: "Not that I haven't done dumb things myself. I have. And intend to keep on doing some of them. But the Current Occupant has slept through his own presidency. He has no idea what went wrong. He knows less about governance than a cat knows about a can opener. He cut taxes during a costly war and made serious debtors of our grandchildren and he has ignored the future as if it doesn't exist. He is now about as popular as wet socks and deservedly so. And here were the people who spawned him and we got along pretty well."
(Garrison Keillor, Oct. 22, 2008, Salon,

Made-up citation: "In my world, pea soup and Star Trek: The Next Generation and Jimmy Fallon are as popular as wet socks and ever shall be. Then again, my dog thinks wet socks are a nummy marriage of cookie and pork chop and heaven. That must be why he rarely uses this expression."

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


adj. A form of cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs-ism that's as common as feet.

Real citation: "I post about a cross-eyed guy robbing and licking someone's toes and it turns into a GD politico-whacko soapbox! G-Bus!"
(Sept. 24, 2007, NERO Middle Tennessee Forums,

Made-up citation: "A cracko-whacko, a politico-whacko, and a neuro-psycho-whacko walk into a bar. That's not a joke; I'm writing a term paper on my uncle's pub, where whackaloonism flows as freely as the pale ale."


noun. Should I be afraid or amused? I'm a doctor, not a panty-hose-ologist.

Real citation: "i'm PANTY-HOSE-ZILLA.. ARRR.. PANTY."
(Aug. 3, 2008,

Made-up citation: "Even hoseheads and hosebeasts fear the mighty panty-hose-zilla... But hosers and hose monsters are another story, according to my mother."


noun. By either qualitative or quantitative measures, a step up from megabarfage.

Real citation: "Mmmmmmmmm... mmmmmmmmminess!!!"
(Nov. 16, 2007, Nordinho,

Made-up citation: "In my dissertation, I'll be examining the problematic aspects of mmmmmmmmminess, mehiness, gakiness, oooooohiness, and aaaiiiiiiieeeeeeeeiness in a post-colonial world. I'm saving bleahhhhhhhiness and booyahiness for my first book."

Monday, October 27, 2008


noun. A title yearned for by many and achieved by few. The Arch-Barbies of the diocese can only look on in envy.

Real citation: "The Heidi Klum fembot delivered a note-perfect, if squeaky as ever, performance as Barbie-in-Chief while Mr. Klum, aka 1.5 hit wonder 'Seal', was there to lend his support and warble something about not surviving unless we get a little crazy."
(Dec. 7, 2005, Ghost of a Flea,

Made-up citation: "If you'll be my Barbie-in-chief, I will be your Wookie-in-chief. Why are you running away?"

Sunday, October 26, 2008


noun. A little less code-orange-y than armageddon.

Real citation: "How many more times are we going to face Armageddon before they're done? I ask merely for information. Maybe they should downgrade the rating, based on the regularity of the threat? Maybe next time, Harry could say, 'It's Hand-ageddon, people.' Then Connie could be her stoic self and demur, 'It's LittleFinger-ageddon.' Of course the day it actually happens, they'll have to call it HeadsandShouldersKneesandToes-ageddon. That's only fair."
(Nov. 21, 2007,

Made-up citation: "According to my therapist, it's not the armageddons that kill you; it's the little-finger-ageddons. I killed my therapist with a big hammer, which is also worth considering."


adv. Pigfully.

Real citation: "I'm contemplating writing a strongly worded letter to the pork industry. How would it go? Dear Pork Industry, Delicious. Baked, barbecued, broiled...friiiiied? They all please me equally. With such consistent performance, my stomach thanks you (and my arteries hate you). Love always, and porkfully yours, FWG"
(Oct. 23, 2008, Thoughts From a Fat White Guy,

Made-up citation: "I like my breakfasts and victims prepared pigfully. I am a baconpire!"

Saturday, October 25, 2008


noun. Cavestuff; old stuff; paleo-stuff; McCain stuff.

Related terms: neanderbot, neanderchick, neandergoat, neanderthaless, neanderthal magnet, neanderwhatsit.

Real citation: "More Neanderstuff, courtesy of 'A Very Remote Period Indeed', the blog of Julien Riel-Salvatore. And, according to the authors of the original article, a very 'interesting' period indeed."
(Aug. 3, 2007, Yahoo Tech Groups,

Made-up citation: "Can you please pick up your neanderstuff, Oog? This fire isn't going to discover itself, you know."

Friday, October 24, 2008


noun. Clustersomethings are bad. Whatchamawads are bad. I think you get the picture.

Real citation: "It does seem a tad close to the clusterwad that is the Valley View area, given all the other areas in the valley to choose from. But what do I know......"
(April 2, 2008, The Roanoke Times,

Made-up citation: "Honey, I can get through any clusterwad with you by my side. You make doofuswads tremble and cluster molestations blush. Jeebus H. Cripes on a pogo stick! You also make polterdogs forswear poltersquirrels. Impressive."

Thursday, October 23, 2008


noun. You may know it as West Boobistan or Bagoingerville, as they say in the local dialect.

Real citation: "'That's the reason I don't like the women's fashion in Israel - it's a big "Hooteropolis".'
My husband just said that to me. For real."
(Feb. 18, 2006, Everything, Nothing, and I'm a Middle Child,

Made-up citation: "Set a course for Hooteropolis, ensign, and pass the basket of doughnuts. Now release the nuclear attack ducks! Hey, at least I'm not living in a fantasy world..."


noun. A motor scooter; a motherfather; a mammy-jammer; a mama-yama. Also, a muh-fuh.

Real citation: "This big sucker will take a massive beating and still throw balls of green plasma at you that melt your skin off. While not necessarily a boss character, the Hell Knight is a badass that needs dealing with and is going to give you that action rush you’re looking for. Then a little later on you encounter the first mini boss, which is like twelve Hell Knights in one massive badass mother-you-know-what-er. Then, boom! you’ve got a boatload of action in one not-so-small package. And it’s most likely going to take you a couple tries until you defeat that big boss, even the not-quite-a-boss Hell Knight."
(Nov. 12, 2007, Planet Half-life,

Made-up citation: "Ooh, you're a dirty mother-you-know-what-er, Edwin! I trusted you with two things: my badger and my heart. Now I am nothing; I am rubble! Rubble!"

Wednesday, October 22, 2008


verb. To remove all upchuckiness from a situation, especially the kind of situation that makes citizens say "Gag me with a spatula!"

Real citation: "Also! C-sections make me barf, too! I am now an Old Pro, so I go in and I say to Fred (I’m on a first-name basis with the anesthesiologist), “Fred. Do not let me barf.” And he says, “I will not let you barf,” and he pats his jacket pocket where he has put several pre-loaded syringes of anti-barf. And then when I feel the first tinges of nausea, I say, “Debarfify me!” and he does. Last time, I did not even barf! Or gag! Except one little gag when I waited too long to tell him I was getting queasy. This is in sharp contrast to my first two c-sections, where I barfed all the way through the procedure and for hours and hours afterwards. Which makes for such pretty photos."
(May 23, 2008, Zoot,

Made-up citation: "I will eat the pea soup, but only if you debarfify my bowl, my body, and the entire tri-state area. These are my conditions. You have one day to respond, or I'll release the duck."


adj. Icky and sticky and sicky, with just a dash of poo for flavor.

Real citation: "All of the dominoes seem to be poised to tumble in a triumphant row until the book is teed up for NY Times review and Michiko Kakutani, in a fit of high dudgeon (her favorite altitude), sets up her portable execution stand and condemns this brazen excuse for a book for being vulgar, meretricious, sordid, immature, and repulsively icky-sticky-sicky poo, not to mention an insult to our brave forces overseas...after which point, the stunned author staggers to the departure gate, consoling herself with her royalty checks and movie rights, never again to be heard of on our shores. Then some hot new tell-all gets Denmark in a lather, and the carousel starts whirling all over again."
(James Wolcott, June 6, 2008,

Made-up citation: "I don't give my creative writing students grades... I give them adjectives. Just this week I handed out an icky-sticky-sicky-poo, an endlessish, three personal-boundary-invadings, and a non-abominationable--the highest praise I've given a poem since 1961."

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


adj. How do you spell love? H-E-R-S-H-E-Y. Hershey's makes the very best super-duper-nano-choco-thermite.

Real citation: "What is his role in the movie? An action hero? Anti Hero? Psycho? Choco-Romantic Hero? Watch out for the movie."
(Oct. 17, 2008, Chronic Writer,

Made-up citation: "I hate myself for getting typecast as a choco-romantic ingenue. But when it comes time to pour the chocolate sauce on the naughty bits, I guess I just have a gift."


interjection. Kaboomaboom.

Real citation: "Todd, size doesn't matter in terms of destructive force. I mean, you could say, "An atom is too small to hurt anything." Then along comes Mr. Einstein and Mr. Oppenheimer and they split that little atom and then KABOOMAPOW!!!!!! everybody in Hiroshima has their face melt off. So don't act like you're not a potential source of planetary harm. I mean, you're somewhat larger than an atom, I guess. Imagine what would happen if someone came along and split you. It'd be pretty gross. But who knows what else might happen?"
(March 30, 2007, Sequential Pictures Forum,

Made-up citation: "We're not sure what went wrong in surgery, but the repeated sounds of 'kaboomapow' and 'aaaaieeeeeeeeeee' should not be taken as a bad sign. Dr. Peters has a unique surgical style, like House with a chainsaw. The medical journals call him the Picasso of the lacrosse stick, if that makes you feel better."

Monday, October 20, 2008


verb. Tweaking got a tweak.

Real citation: "Over the next few days, I will be spiffifying, re-jigging and tweakificating the page to my liking, uploading pics and vids and beginning to spill my knoggen onto the page..."
(Dec. 12, 2007,

Made-up citation: "If you're looking for me, I'll be tweakificating my resume. Jamba Juice is adding six new death squads, and I want to get in on the ground floor."


noun. The root cause of ass-kickery has been found, deep in the DNA of the butt-booter's own bippy.

Real citation: "but i thought it was a new year's resolution... or is that a joke? even so, i'd venture to say that he did it for the sake of testing his kickassitude or the increasing the overall level of his kickassitudinousness. yep. that's probably why he started it."
(Nov. 27, 2006, The Forum,

Made-up citation: "My Dunkin' Donuts coffee is full of sugar, cream, coffee, crack, and kickassitudinousness. Why are they not paying me? Whose head do I have to pee on to be their national spokesman?"

Sunday, October 19, 2008


noun. A metal monkey made to maul men and meerkats! Meep!

Real citation: "At that point, it will become obvious to many that this technology could save countless lives, if it could be applied to humans. The media of the time will be running clips of some macaque that died a week ago, was disassembled and buried, and now lives on as a robo-macaque that recognizes its owners, plays with blocks, and hoards jelly beans exactly as it did before."
(Aug. 15, 2008,,

Made-up citation: "Give that
robo-macaque a nano-banana. Quickly! Before he throws his turbo-turds at us..."

Dirty Smurfchez

noun phrase. You didn't think Papa Smurf had it in him, did you?

Real citation: "Smurfing in the smurf-hole indeed! The 'Dirty Smurfchez' was a bit much, dont you think?"
(April 1, 2007, Paizo,

Made-up citation: "You may call what we do behind the haystack, with only God and the moo-cows watching, a Dirty Smurfchez... But to me, it is Blue Heaven."

Saturday, October 18, 2008


noun. Approximately a metric buttload. Nearly a metric booty-load. Not quite a metric smurfload.

Real citation: "It's come to my attention that when you have a baby girl you receive a whole badonkadonk-load of pink stuff."
(Feb. 14, 2008, letter B,

Made-up citation: "I'll have a badonkadonk-load of Swedish pancakes, please. It takes a lot of fuel to keep this sweaty amalgam of testosterone, muscle, patriotism, generosity, skepticism, moxie, love, and modesty humming along. Mmm-hmm. And don't skimp on the cinnamon buns."

Friday, October 17, 2008


noun. A devilmajig.

Real citation: "'Oh yeah... well the other day this big red fellow with horns walks up and asks if I want to make a few bucks, at first I was like, I don’t know. But he seemed very professional, snappy three piece loincloth, and the works. I forget his name, Beelze-something. Anyway he said I could make a few bucks every time I say Fig..... Fig, Fig, Fig..... Fig, Fig, Fig!! Jus a little part-time work, helps with the bills, kids are molting already.... let me tell ya Dermatologist’s, they're not cheap!'"
(Oct. 17, 2007,

Made-up citation: "Hail Beelze-something! Praise and whatnot to you! May you bring forth whatever on the thingumwhackers of my you-know-whos. And don't skimp on the stuff, you know, the evil stuff, or what have you."

Thursday, October 16, 2008


noun. Mommy.... Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Real citation: "Where Aaron Young is somehow conceptually absent from his work, Melee is unavoidably present and fully displayed. His installation is probably the only thing in the show that would have raised eyebrows in the Giuliani Administration, and it's also the point in Greater New York where art viewing and making comes closest to trauma. It's not that the pervy momsploitation isn't studied-the aspect of self-aware, gleeful performance is always palpable in the videos-it's that for all the bourgeoisie-baiting involved, Robert Melee's High Life is an installation that deals with real fucked-upness, latent dread behind the campy shocks, and art as a way to process pain into something that's at least horrifying rather than horrible. In the context of Greater New York, that level of unmodulated, unstable content was bracing"
(June 16, 2005, n+1,

Made-up citation: "For anyone traumatized by the mere mention of momsploitation, I sincerely apologize. Just don't think about your own mom and an elephant--listening to Barry White in a tasteful low-budget film--and you'll be fine."

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


adj. Like bewigged, but less comfortable--and involving the buttockier regions.

Real citation: "The M/T uses the two Tasloi he is holding as shields and successfully deflects the blows of the attacking Tasloi at the expense of the life of one of their bewedgied companions."
(Sept. 26, 2000,

Made-up citation: "I woke up in a confoobled, bewedgied state. Have Francesca's ferrets violated the sanctity of my nethergarments and mind yet again?"


adj. Diddly doodly piddly poodly. Aren't I cute?

Real citation: "I didn't watch the Palin-Biden debate live, but I caught the whole thing on YouTube later, and while Palin's awshucksy-gosh-darn-it-to-heck manner left me cringing, it's certainly possible to be a competent world leader and sound like a Warner Brothers cartoon. But that one little detail (It's right there in the spelling of the word! N-U-C-L-E-A-R!) sealed my opinion of her, which would--deny it, I dare you--completely torpedo your faith in a prospective job applicant for any other job in the universe."
(Oct. 8, 2008, Cuz We Said So,

Made-up citation: "I tried to bring a more awshucksy-gosh-darn-it-to-heck approach to my vocation. But the other guys down at the death cult are hard to impress..."

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

John McOneFootInTheGrave

noun. John McNickname, baby. This definition was approved by Count Chocula.

Related terms: John McGetOffMyLawn.

Real citation: "For now, Sarah Palin is a curiosity for those who are as fickle as she is. I'll give my fellow Americans credit for their ability to learn from more than seven years of embarrassment, degradation, deepening debt, and war. Most of us will soon grow tired of her crap and the daffy ramblings of John McOneFootInTheGrave."
(Sept. 4, 2008, Rocky Mountain News,

Made-up citation: "John McOneFootInTheGrave looks like a non-toaster-y Cylon. Maybe that's a cheap excuse to link to my own article.'s your face."


noun. A student of the stiffy.

Real citation: "I think if my boner went away for 10 months, I would go to a urologist or a boner-ologist. That way I could get it up. But then I'd be afraid that anything, including packets of ketchup you get from McDonald's, would induce a boner the size of Utah."
(July 29, 2007,

Made-up citation: "Indiana Jones said, 'Don't bring a knife to a gunfight.' In my family, we say, 'Don't bring a bonerologist to the senior prom.' My family has problems."

Monday, October 13, 2008


noun. A quality my rat terrier does not possess. He is a rat cutie pie.

Real citation: "I actually had to read Wolf, Clark and Erik's posts to understand the depth and nuance of the rat-bastardliness that was being presented here...again, mainly because I didn't even bother finishing to read your entire entry."
(Dec. 20, 2007, Paizo,

Made-up citation: "I am sleepy as hell today. I haven't the energy for villainy, chicanery, rat-bastardliness, or hooliganism. I just need a nap."

Sunday, October 12, 2008


noun. Is it a dog? Or just a Freudian nightmare?

Real citation: "its ridiculous. as long as people pay, they continue to sell and breed. its bout educating the public, and ensuring any puppies that us purists as we now called are desexed and not used for this horrible practice. i doubt any of the parents were health tested, and the breeders should be mentally tested! it must be a illness to breed one dog to another and hope like hell they turn out ok, and wtf is a begoodle and cockaspan-a doodle-hua"

Made-up citation: "Aw.... Look at the little cockaspanadoodlehua. It's humping my cocka-shih-poo in the ear."

Saturday, October 11, 2008


noun. A mere peasant who totally does not deserve the title of Princess Snotbucket.

Real citation: "It was hotter than a broken sauna on the surface of the sun yesterday and still I managed to drag four ginormous bags of laundry to be dropped off and washed (yeah, sorry I AM NOT going to sit in a hot landromat and do that when I feel like the stickiest of all sticky Katamari balls--there are just some things I'm willing to pay for on some days) and get my business cards printed out. The guy printing them was an early twenty-something drummer from a semi-hot stuff local band who everyone pees their pants over and I'm not sure why. He's the only non-snotwad from the band and he did a great job and printed them on the spot. I don't have the heart to tell him his band kinda sucks and that he's really the only good thing they have going for them. That, and their homemade dinosaur heads that are sorta played out anyway. I hope he goes on to bigger and better things because his band mates, well, I sort of see becoming characters from 'Requeim For a Dream' when they realize they were big guppies in a little clear mug."
(June 12, 2007, Tangerine Peels,

Made-up citation: "I'm having problems with my hotel room... I asked for a non-snotwad, non-monkey-poo, non-penis-centric, non-graveyardy suite with a live aardvark and a calzone the size of my head. Was this hotel raised in a barn?"

Friday, October 10, 2008


noun. A doofus and a buttmunch were united in unholy conjugality, giving birth to a non-butted bio-crotchfruit, as the genetic wheel of fortune spins on.

Real citation: "hey doofusmunch. i need more redheads so we can start a redhead revolution!! muahhahahaarrrrrrr! you ruuuuuuuuule too mister ma"
(Oct. 17, 2006, MySpace,

Made-up citation: "'Would you rather be a doofusmunch or a doofuswad?' asked my wife. I didn't answer. I've never chosen between munches and wads before, and I'm not starting now."

Thursday, October 09, 2008

post-traumatic cheesesteak syndrome

noun phrase. I know nothing of cheesesteaks, but a food baby may be involved.

Related terms: post-traumatic butt-viewing stress disorder, post-traumatic dating syndrome, post-traumatic red wine disorder, post-traumatic sexy caged-heat syndrome, post-traumatic stress syndromey, post-traumatic swirly disorder, post-traumatic Tony Danza Show disorder.

Real citation: "Let me add in here that it is not too long ago that I was heavily medicated for OCD, and we are sitting here with greasy steaks, fries, on a dirty stoop-- with 2 napkins to share between the three of us. None of this matters now because we have the beloved Philly cheese steak in hand, and we have the battle wounds to prove it. The anticipation is too much to handle and we bite in with such abandon . . .only to find . . . it's a cheese steak. . . Nothing special .. .after all that we'd had such high expectations and were quite disappointed. The fries were cold, the steak was greasy, and all together a waste of a few million calories. So there you have it. Between the yelling, the dirty eating accommodations, the million calories, and disappointing finish, you can see why I have affectionately called this Post traumatic cheese steak syndrome."
(April 18, 2008, Exactly where I am,

Made-up citation: "Few doctors can accurately diagnose post-traumatic cheesesteak syndrome anymore. My own personal physician said I'm lack toast and tolerant, so I'm not exactly engorged with faith in the medical community. "


noun. Some scum is more verbose than others.

Real citation: "Don't you just love shrill nulabour spokescum attempting to justify the great leader on the box, though you have to admire their talent to weave fairy stories. To the dustbin of history with the lot of them!"
(July 11, 2008, The Telegraph,

Made-up citation: "All resumes for the position of administrative hellbeast should be directed to the spokescum, who will also discuss the senator's recent scandal involving underage meerkats."

Wednesday, October 08, 2008


noun. Colonel Sanders! You touch me like you know me.

Real citation: "I love you, you are my hero. But only under the condition that your soulful outburst of appreciation and enthusiasm for that chicken, a.k.a. 'chicken-gasm' was of a genuine, non-scripted nature. Chances are being that it's a Mac-Donalds commercial, the outburst was pre-meditated in some way shape or form. Alas, you likes your chicken and aren't afraid to tell the world, and that's admirable."
(Oct. 3, 2005, I'm alive and well... Where am I?,

Made-up citation: "As a former NCAA chicken-finger-eating champion and brave consumer of the tastefully named Chernobyl chicken wings, I have always been capable of multiple chicken-gasms. I also admire the noble fowl for its intelligence and ability to hop."


noun. Adventures that are small, sweet, and unlike a tuna casserole.

Real citation: "after the cupcake-capades, i painted, and then changed my journal, and waited til i could update it..."
(March 13, 2003,

Made-up citation: "I have no cupcake-capades to regale you with, dear readers. Rather, I am in the sweaty throes of Korean-BBQ-chicken-capades, and I never want them to end. Never!"

Tuesday, October 07, 2008


adj. A word that does not apply to current conditions.

Real citation: "Somewhat reassuringly, an immersion in today’s chilly e-bathwater suggests that I am far from alone in finding almost intolerable the latest attempt to suggest that a politician who speaks in a vacant, incomprehensible patois is a flag-bearer for authenticity, readiness, sagacity.
All this has me looking backward to last spring, lovely for its pristinely un-Palinated landscape, when I made my first post for this page. "
(Wyatt Mason, Oct. 6, 2008, Harper's,

Made-up citation: "Even the dreamworld is no longer an un-Palinated haven for moose. Last night I dreamed Sarah Palin brushed the hair of a coyote, while pine cones menaced the skies."

(Thanks to Peter Robins for the tip)


noun. A cohort in cuckooness who may be putting more than the FDA-recommended serving of crack on their cornflakes.

Real citation: "There, we have a black Muslim with ties to Louis Farrakhan (though not for many, many years, apparently) and in the district next door, we have Michelle Bachman - an ultra-right wing GOP, uber-Christian, hyper-partisan, lunatic fringe member in good standing. Congresswoman Bachman can be counted on to contribute her ideas to Congress. She is obsessed with gays - claims that she was attacked by two lesbians at one of her rallies. She repeatedly introduces legislation to require the teaching of creationism in schools. I'm happy to say we re-defeated her co-whacko, Carla Nelson, by a couple hundred votes."
(Nov. 8, 2006, QRZ Forums,

Made-up citation: "Professor Freemont, your co-worker is a co-whacko--a neuro-psycho-whacko. And where does that leave us? Neurodoublefucked, once again."

Monday, October 06, 2008


noun. Jizz got an upgrade--just in time for the holidays.

Real citation: "These robots could be used to take samples from different areas, diagnose latent diseases and even cure conditions such as hypothyroidism and diabetes (the pseudo-robo-sperm swim around checking your blood sugar level, if it gets too high then they excrete insulin through mini pumps; I’m assuming there’ll also be a way to replenish the supply of insulin)."
(July 22, 2008,,

Made-up citation: "There is one surprise left in the Presidential race: pseudo-robo-sperm-gate. Who will be scandalized? Who will be robo-sperminated? Only Wolf Blitzer's marmot--gifted from birth with the second sight--knows for sure."


noun. Insert blushing here.

Real citation: "“CAT!!—Get back in there and put on clothes—no one out here wants to see your nekkiditity!” Wicked grin, disappeared into the house, but only after, “Don’t sla-” SLAMMM!! “m…the door.” ::sigh:: Got my bucket and started going around to the feeders and she was back out there in just moments, dressed properly for outdoor viewing and she helped me clean out the old seeds and pour in the new. She REALLY likes that cool scooper with the hole in it."
(July 21, 2003, Possumblog,

Made-up citation: "I once flaunted my nekkiditity onstage, while squawking like a bird, leaping to the top of refrigerators, and competing with a milkman for the affections of a babe. Was this the highlight of my theatrical career? Or just a terrifying visit to Aunt Petunia?"


noun. An annoying quality that's about as truly edgy as an egg.

Real citation: "I totally agree. Dexter got involved with Rita to appear normal, not because he was attracted to her or found her interesting in any real way. She's his beard. He is Plastic Dexter with her. I am still attached to the notion that Dexter is a sociopath who doesn't have feelings so I don't think what some could interpret as him developing feelings for her and the kids is more than a convenient, not unpleasant habit for him. While Lila may be irritating with her edgier-than-thouness Dexter is attracted to her. The fire. The darkness. Whatever it is. And there is so much intimacy between them - tip of my hat to MCH - that just doesn't exist with he and Rita."
(Higness, Nov. 4, 2007, "2-5: "The Dark Defender" 2007.10.28," Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "Among hipsters, edgier-than-thouness is epidemic. Not that I would know anything about that. Mmm, I'm really enjoying this napalm latte... Smooth."

Sunday, October 05, 2008


noun. A repulsive quality not unlike varmintitude and sleazebagness.

Real citation: "Ron Wilson has a habit of calling out players for misdeeds in times of failure, only he never names names. It's as if he wants to protect the miscreants while declaring their ... well, miscreantitude."
(Ray Ratto, May 4, 2007, SFGate,

Made-up citation: "Scientists have identified the gene for miscreantitude. Unfortunately, it is located on the grow-lungs-here gene, making the prospects for mandatory miscreantectomy unlikely."

Friday, October 03, 2008


noun. An insult that hits the insultee right where it hurts: in the face and the butt. Especially the butt.

Real citation: "I'm going to see thee Kaelyn next weekend. I'm going to be Kirka-ayayyayya......
Bye-e buttfacebutt"
(June 14, 2003, The Life and Times Of the Almighty Chez,

Made-up citation: "Only a trained buttockologist can distinguish a perennial buttfacebutt from a congenital assfaceass, according to the brochure for Bippy University, which a shapely proctologistette slipped into my Raisin Bran."


noun. A terrifying event that threatens to plunge my lovely north Chicago neighborhood into an unthinkable vat of misery... A brain-melting, soul-sucking, pee-scented, 100-year-old vat of misery.

Real citation: "So, this would be the portion of our program where you'd expect me to rip Zambrano for being a lot of talk and a lot of emotion but not anywhere close to clutch for a team that appears more deserving of a World Series berth than ever if it can get its self-inflicted highest-paid pitcher to pitch like a highly paid pitcher. Yes, this would be the time you'd expect me to point out how so many observers have yakked about Zambrano's arm angle and reduced velocity and dental hygiene, and talk like it's Cubpocalypse Now."
(Steve Rosenbloom, Aug. 27, 2008, Chicago Tribune,

Made-up citation: "Can the Cubpocalypse be averted? The Red Sox came back from 3-0 to beat the Yankees... But that required Dunkin' Donuts--corporate overlords of the state of Massachusetts--to throw all transplanted New Yorkers into a coffee-spewing volcano, where they died a scalding, delicious death that was pleasing to the baseball gods."

Thursday, October 02, 2008


noun. A nano-orifice of the assticular region.

Real citation: "My friend Marchae just got dumped by her boyfriend, and she referred to her boyfriend as an 'asscrater' because a crater is bigger than a hole.
I kind of like that. It has about 3 pages of hits on google.
You are an asspore, because that's how little of an asshole you are! :o)"
(Brandi, Oct. 1, 2008, private email)

Made-up citation: "Can Biden mop up the remains of Palin's moosementum without seeming like a gaping asscavern? That is key. If he comes off as only an asspore, it's a big win."


noun. One of the hordes of comics who prowl the night, treating politicians with the same tender care wild dogs give to a discarded KFC bucket.

Real citation: "While the late-night laughanistas were having their fun, as a professional poker player I instantly recognized an increasingly well-known poker tell that I’ve been able to use to my advantage at the table."
(Sept. 30, 2008,,

Made-up citation: "Deep down, all men want to be laughanistas, and all women want to be spatulas, according to my Uncle Phillip."

(Thanks to Gemma for the tip)

serial killer-dar

noun. A talent for detecting the Dexters and Hannibals and Denogginizers of the world.

Related terms: dogdar, sexual-geniusdar, someone-is-staring-at-my-ass-dar, weirdo-dar, zombie-dar.

Real citation: "I'm not really enjoying the plot with the potential teen serial killer (especially the Hannibal Lectorish part with the other serial killer knowing by looking at him - do they have serial killer-dar or something?!). But I'm curious to see where it will go."
(Navin, Oct. 1, 2008, "The Shield," Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "Serial killer-dar--handy skill for a cop, not so essential in a department-store Santa. Someone had to make that distinction."

Wednesday, October 01, 2008


adj. A common self-fuddling state.

Real citation: "Lexicographers are interested (professionally, that is) in words they can put in dictionaries. They watch new creations to see if they stick around; if not, they forget them. Linguists are interested in how speakers form words, among many other things. Linguistilexicographers, on the other hand, are selfconfoozled."
(languagehat, Oct. 1, 2008, MetaFilter,

Made-up citation: "Would you rather be self-confoozled or just confoozled? Or merely foozled? Choose your fooz wisely, my son!"


noun. A real stiffener.

Real citation: "We even found ourselves coining English words based on what we knew of Latin words and their patterns. Since we were adolescents, a lot of this coining was sexual or obscene in nature. I recall how we used the Latin term clunes (the buttocks) to create a Neo-Latin adjective clunalis, which we decided meant 'pertaining to the buttocks.' From there it was an easy step to invent the English derivative clunal, which we then started using as a pejorative for anything we didn’t like, or thought inferior. 'Man, that’s so clunal,' we’d say if something bothered us. My oversexed pal Vinnie invented the term durificatrix, which if it actually existed in Latin would mean 'woman who makes hard.' He’d employ it when discussing certain girls we knew. Vinnie would say 'You know, guys, that little cutie in the Registrar’s office is one real durificatrix.'"
(Joseph S. Salemi, The Pennsylvania Review, Oct. 2008,

Made-up citation: "I object to your calling my sister a durificatrix. That's my sister, not some leg-humping strumpet! I should challenge you to a duel or steel cage death match, but for twenty dollars, I could let my objections and her phone number go. Call today to take advantage of this limited-time offer."


noun. A Yiddish venereal disease treatable by intensive lox therapy.

Real citation: "Klamydia? Schlamydia!"
(July 11, 2007, Bergspredikan,

Made-up citation: "How do we test for schlamydia? Feel the patient's matzo balls and taste the broth. Nothing easier!"


noun. Only with years of training in this applied science can one tell the difference between chicken salad and chicken a la turd.

Real citation: "doktor of chickenshitology"
(May 4, 2002,

Made-up citation: "Deciding between astrophysics and chickenshitology was the hardest part of college for me... Ultimately, this was not an either/or but a both/and situation, and I did a double major: Where better to embrace chickenshittery than in the far reaches of space, where even I feel safe from the menacing hordes that stumble droolingly across the plain?"