phlegmometer

noun. A precise instrument for measuring the body’s fifth grossest byproduct.

Real citation: “Sort of a phlegmometer?”
(http://forum.downsizer.net/viewtopic.php?t=26208&start=0)

Made-up citation: “I get the willies if I’m away from all writing instruments. I have a compulsive need to write. Me without a pen or computer is like a doctor without a phlegmometer, sphygmomanometer, or spork.”