Friday, September 30, 2005


verb. Mindfuck.

Related terms: mindboink, clusterfornicate, motherfornicator, rat fornication, fornicate the canine.

Real citation: "I mindfornicate all the time."
(Extemporanea, Oct. 6, 2004,

Made-up citation: "Though fornicating your children is generally considered unsound domestic policy, mindfornicating the little apes is just typical parenting."

sweet merciful monkey cheese

exclamation. A sweeter, cheesier, mercifuller, and fully monkified alternative to "Jesus holy shit Christ!"

Related terms: OH DEAR SWEET MERCIFUL MONKEY MUFFINS!, Oh sweet merciful monkey murderer!, Sweet merciful f***monkeys!, Sweet merciful monkey ass!, Sweet merciful monkey crap!, Sweet merciful monkey-god!, SWEET MERCIFUL MOTHER MARY MOSES'S MANIACAL MONKEY OF MOTOWN!!!!!, Sweet merciful mother of purple monkey!, SWEET MERCIFUL MONKEY SHIT!, Sweet merciful monkey wang!, SWEETMERCIFUL MONKEY-FUCK!!!!!, SWEET MERCIFUL MONKEY JESUS!!!!, Sweet Merciful Monkey Christ!, Sweet merciful monkey crap on a stick!

Real citation: "Helpful for when you have no idea what the sweet merciful monkey cheese is going on."

Made-up citation: "'Sweet merciful monkey cheese' would not be a popular type of pizza."

Thursday, September 29, 2005

metric smurfload

noun. A gazillion, bazillion, quatrillion, flazillion, etc. It's more than a Smurf could count!

Related terms: metric buttload, metric assload, metric shitload, metric crapload, metric fuckload, metric truckload, metric boatload.

Real citation: "I like World of Warcraft. I've been in the beta for nearly three weeks now. I play a human priest named Wibble. I have a nice, spiky mace and what seems like a metric smurfload of spells."
(Bethany Massimilla, "A Chicken in Azeroth,"

Made-up citation: "As the Bible says, 'O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his metric smurfload together.'"


noun. A belief system based on a rigid, hard, throbbing belief in the power of porn to penetrate practically everything.

Real citation: "Porn may make a convenient scapegoat for everything that's appalling in the world these days, but new technologies or genres like Internet porn only thrive when they confirm dispositions already inherent in the culture. What I'm saying is that Paul mistakes a symptom for a cause: It's a muddled porno-determinism."
(Laura Kipnis, "Pornified and Female Chauvinist Pigs: Is it true that porn is degrading to women?," Slate,

Made-up citation: "Was Plato a porno-determinist? I know Buddha wasn't, despite his memorable stint as a fluffer."

Wednesday, September 28, 2005


adj. When conflict they see, their pants fill with pee. This would be me.

Related terms: Christmas-avoidy, people-avoidy, avoidy-ness, Mr. Avoidy, avoidy-girl, hidey-avoidy, avoidy-poo.

Real citation: "Immeasurable thanks to sprat and miriam for their wonderfully insightful and punishing betas, and for forcing me out of my conflict-avoidy little shell. Thanks also to mergatrude for her clever and thoughtful answers to my random questions."

Made-up citation: "Does my conflict-avoidiness come from poor toilet training? Or was it a gift from God?"


noun. A barf-worthy boy or babe who may not be marriage material, according to our sources.

Related terms: sex bomb, slutbomb, skankbomb, fuckbomb.

Real citation: "The boyfriend, Pete Doherty, is the heroin- and cocaine-addicted musician, burglar and all-around yuck-bomb whom the model has been seeing off and on for months."
(Rebecca Traister, "The rise and fall of Kate Moss," Sept. 23, 3005, Salon,

Made-up citation: "Since cutting my long hair, I'm less often mistaken for a yuck-bomb, though I'm still widely considered a rancid fuckwit."

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


noun. A heady, baggy, douche-y insult that's considered fighting words in these parts.

Real citation: "Douchebaghead?"
(Jordon, Jan. 21, 2001,

Made-up citation: "I can't listen to the Douchebaghead-in-Chief for more than three minutes without drowning, torching, gouging, or wedgie-ing the nearest bystander or myself for sweet relief."


adj. Deliciously corrupt; chock full o' cronies.

Real citation: "For high-bandwidth fun, check out They Rule, a Flash game/tool where you pick board members and it draws maps of all their interlocking, crony-licious glory."
(Jan. 15, 2003,

Made-up citation: "Governments tend to be crony-licious, and R&B singers are often bootylicious, while many Canadians are hoserlicious."

Friday, September 23, 2005

golden showeree

noun. Under a romantic shower of pee, this person ye shall see.

Related terms: admiree, anus lickee, avengee, ball lickee, beatee, beatifee, besmirchee, betrayee, bitee, blow jobee, bombee, brainsuckee, burnee, car-jackee, clobberee, cock and ball torturee, complimentee, consumee, counselee, cradle-robee, crapee, crushee, decapitatee, disectee, disparagee, downsizee, droolee, excommunicatee, exorcisee, felatee, filmee, fist fuckee, floodee, Frenchee, gawkee, giftee, gropee, gougee, headee, impeachee, killee, kissee, lecturee, lickee, likee, litigatee, lustee, manslaughteree, massagee, mindfuckee, Mr. Horse Fuckee, moldee, molestee, moochee, motivatee, mugee, murderee, nursee, obsessee, oglee, pervee, pervertee, piercee, pimpee, pissee, poopee, predatee, promotee, purse-snatchee, regiftee, reprimandee, scoldee, shagee, shitee, shrinkee, skullfuckee, slashee, slaughteree, slobberee, smoochee, smotheree, sniffee, snitchee, spankee, stabee, stalkee, staree, theftee, toe-suckee, undressee, whackee, wooee, yoinkee.

Real citation: "Would you prefer to be the Golden Showeree or the Golden Showerer?"
(Connoisseur, Oct. 10. 2004,

Made-up citation: "If I were President, Angelina Jolie would be President. And I would be her golden showeree. And Lost and Veronica Mars would not be on at the same time.”


noun. Dude-fume, as in perfume for dudes.

Related terms: man-slutitude, man-flab, man-whore, man-spat, man-crush, man-pole, man-diapers, man-beast, man-love, man-toy, man-package, man-pile, man-smell, man-boobs, man-breasts, man-tits, man-teats, man-boobies, man-witch, man-flesh, man-ape, man-leech.

Real citation: "He was the kind of guy you could tell from a glance stank of man-fume."
(Judy McGuire, "Smooth Operators," New York Press,

Made-up citation: "I use no man-fume--my chocolatey natural musk of pheromones and filth is fumigation enough."

Wednesday, September 21, 2005


noun. Look deep into the brain of someone with a brain, and this ye shall find.

Real citation: "The gift isn't the cause of non-dumbassery, it is the effect of non-dumbassery."
(Spark, Nov. 27, 2004,,7074.15)

Made-up citation: "To cultivate non-dumbassery in your children, keep them away from a church. And don't let them eat paint."


noun. Testicular fortitude.

Real citation: "The vert (short for "vertical ramp") is an audacious 13 feet high, and navigating the gnarly park course will require much gonadage."

Made-up citation: "The Democrat party lacks vision and gonadage. I would like to drown them in the river."

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Chicken Snatchatori

noun. Hot buttered monkey sex with a chicken, or maybe--God willing--a person.

Real citation: "To answer your question about serving a dish that will keep your man happy, I suggest a honey-baked West Vagina ham, or Turkey Cordon Blow-Him. Or how about Chicken Snatchatori?"
(Amy Sedaris, "Seadarities," page 85, The Believer, August 2005)

Made-up citation: "After some refreshing Chicken Snatchatori for breakfast, Michelle and I enjoy going out for waffles."

Princess of Porkitude

noun. Not a title many fathers hope their little girls attain.

Real citation: "Houstonians are hiding their faces over reports that residents of the Bayou City were big viewers of the premier of "The Anna Nicole Show" on cable television. Some tried to put a good spin on the high viewership for the Princess of Porkitude."
(Paul Freeman, Aug. 12, 2002,

Made-up citation: "The Princess of Porkitude and the Baron of Batshit were very happy together in New Jersey."

Monday, September 19, 2005

Christ on a whole wheat cracker

exclamation. A wholesome, wheaty, cracktacular alternative to "Christ on a crutch!" or "Christ in a Christmas tree!"

Related terms: Christ on a cracker, Jesus Christ on a whole wheat cracker, Jesus H. Breakdancing Christ on a whole wheat cracker.

Real citation: "Christ On a Whole Wheat Cracker"
(Jesus Elasmobranchius, April 19, 2003,

Made-up citation: "Christ on a whole wheat cracker! That's some ham on wheat sammich."


adj. Good, holy, pure, and of the lord--and not at all breastacious.

Related terms: post-Janet-Jackson's-breast.

Real citation: "The BDEA is the anti-Janet-Jackson's-nipple bill that would make broadcasters liable for fines of up to $500,000 for any obscene, indecent or profane material they disseminate. Every congressman who voted for it should have his or her name engraved on a brass plaque on the Monument to Cowardice."
(Garrison Keillor, "Talk about obscenity," Sept. 14, 2005, Salon,

Made-up citation: "U.S. Aid to Anti-Janet-Jackson's-nipple Rebels: The Reagan Doctrine and Its Pitfalls"

Friday, September 16, 2005

Mr. Joe Penisbrain

noun. A respectful way to address your friendly neighborhood dickhead.

Real citation: "Mr. Joe Penisbrain is going to be let on the streets, then he damn well better realize that he's not alone! I have to do my part to to protect my person and property and family, and more importantly so does the guy behind the controls of vehicle_of_choice. since we can't depend on the guy to be able to safely control his vehichle, the government had damn well better do it for him."
(Aug. 30, 1991,

Made-up citation: "Why hello, sir. And will Mrs. Joe Penisbrain be joining you tonight?"


adj. Caused by upfucked, fucked-up, and majorly motherfucked people, places, and things.

Real citation: "Despite all of the above, and the general state of upfuckery-induced madness suffered by most of the band at the moment, the tour IS going ahead. And we are still looking forward to it. Hoorah!"
(Vic, May 30, 2002,

Made-up citation: "If all the upfuckery-induced portions of the federal budget were cut, we'd have the cash for national health care, a decent school system, and a harem in every garage."

Thursday, September 15, 2005


noun. A womanly shithead, full of feminine charms.

Real citation: "Obaue: Part of me wants to think that "shithead" can only apply to a male. Is it also possible for a female? In referring to Mr or Ms Bignall -- the name Robin giving insufficient basis for assuming a sex -- should I have said "shithead or shitheadess"?"
(Bob Cunningham, Jan. 12, 2005,

Made-up citation: "If a shitheadess and her Cock-a-poo took a dump on my crapalicious carpet, I'd go ape-dookie!"


noun. A discomfort-and-awkwardness-detecting device, located between the inner ear, pancreas, and soul.

Real citation: "The dinner party scored a perfect eleven on the discomfitometer, especially Jack's droll commentary about oil shortages. Hee!"
(kindscross, " 4-10: "The Index" 2005.03.09," March 9, 2005, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "During the surgical scenes in Nip/Tuck, I hold the remote over my eyes, for fear of fritzing out out my discomfitometer, yuckometer, or whatever you wanna call that feeling of ew, eee, and gah."

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


noun. The most doofusistic member of the wad family, which includes better known members such as the gaywad, the dorkwad, and the fuckwad.

Real citation: "Everyone else around this neighborhood has at least some semblance of good sense, because they all mow their lawns in broad daylight. Imagine that. Doofuswad across the street waits until the sun goes down, then drags out his riding mower with the headlight. I suppose in all honesty...why even put a headlight on a riding mower if it weren’t to be utilized, right? *shakes head*"
("When You Care Enough To Send the Very....Best??," Aug. 23, 2004,

Made-up citation: "I can't tell chicken shit from chicken salad, but I have a deep, nuanced appreciation of the difference between a doofuswad and a hipster doofus."

in the barn

idiom. If you're in the closet, and in that closet is a dog, horse, pig, cat, bird. or other member of the animal kingdom, and if you and your friend from down the food chain are making the somewhat-literal beast with two backs, then you are in the barn--even if you're actually in your mom's basement.

Real citation: "Zoophilia is only a problem if it becomes a fetish or a compulsion. Otherwise, it is only people's irrational fear and disgust that keeps us in the barn, so to speak."
(A Seattle Dog Lover, "What Dog Fuckers Have on Their Minds," Aug. 15, 2005,,websavage,66870,24.html)

Made-up citation: "It can get lonely in the barn, when society doesn't understand. It can also get pretty conjugalicious in there. Mooooo!"

Tuesday, September 13, 2005


noun. A deity-like pornbomb of a sort of sexpot.

Real citation: "Just bumped into my Daddy at Marksies when I was picking up some grub and his quite cool quote was "find yourself a rich one next time because you deserve it"... I think I will Daddy, 'cos I tell you I have had it up to here with matters of the heart and will quite gladly become some rich guy or gals consort if I get looked after for a change... or failing that someone find me a drop dead gorgeous, super tall, long haired, slim, green-eyed and laid back sex-god type person to take my mind of things and not expect it to be anything other than a very pleasant fling for a couple of weeks."
(April 28, 2005, Ariel's Blog,

Made-up citation: "I'm looking for a sex-god-type-person with shiny hair. Must love chinchillas and going to Clippers games."


adj. A pinch of diddly, a dram of damn, and a whole lotta fanfuckingtasticness.

Real citation: "Fan-diddly-damn-tastic!"
(Jase, Feb. 13, 2005,

Made-up citation: "Free peanuts and beers so tall they make me question my manhood are fan-diddly-damn-tastic qualities in a fine dining establishment."


noun. Do you kiss your mama with that mouth?

Related terms: asstard, butt-tard, dorktard, douchetard, fucktard, puketard, shit-tard.

Real citation: "Oh ferfuckssake. Look you BBUL skankwad, outside of the blessed sistina, the only THING that would go near that gross fucktard is some trailer trash skanktard like yourself. Have you looked at him? Have you looked in the mirror? Have you gone to Wal-Mart and looked at the rest of your bretheren and then meandered into areas where you'd only be allowed to clean the homes?"

Made-up citation: "Pimpin' ain't easy, and being a skanktard is also more difficult than one would assume."

Saturday, September 03, 2005


noun. Hanky-stanky-panky of a particularly assy sort.

Related words: badassitude, smartassitude, lardassitude, kickassitude, fatassitude, suckassitude, wiseassitude, dumbassitude, numb-assitude, pompous-assitude, stick-up-assitude, pain-in-the-assitude, halfassitude, punkassitude, slackassitude, big-assitude, tight-assitude, super-bad-assitude, Fortress of Assitude.

Real citation: "Me and Jamie Dollar were trying to fix a hard IZ in Bravo flight. They had 2 campers onsite, plus our guards, and I'm not exactly sure what was going on with the camper folks, but I'm sure it was no good. I remember a mix of males and females on site. We had the site lights on, had finished fixing the problem (bent the sensitive switch in the A-CKT, and I was taking a leak by the parapet wall. Next thing I know, the site lights go out, and I'm staring outside the gate at what appears to be a lit cigarrete. I hear M-16's charging to the other side of me. I did the sane thing and layed down in the gravel with my fly undone. Beautiful. The cop flight chief had snuck up on the site to see what kind of grabassitude was going on with the camper folks, and decided to get cute."
(Mac, Dec. 16, 2003,

Made-up citation: "Since the world is full of unwanted grabassitude, my daughter will be armed to the teeth and deadly to the touch--she'll be like a combination of Buffy the Vampire and a tank, if Betty and I raise her right."


adj. A good thing on a futon of love; a bad thing on an operating table of angioplasty.

Real citation: "After yet another batch of horrific commercials, we're back with Doc Avari and his neurostim tools. He explains that after he drills a hole in Syd's skull, he'll insert a cranial shunt and drain the water from her brainpan. Ew. Once she's unconscious, they'll remove her skullcap and begin the neurostim. Yuck. Head's in the room, along with a non-surgical-glove-clad assistant. Nice sterile environment you got there, Doc. If the procedure doesn't kill her, then it's for damn sure all the rampant germs and infections will handle the job quite nicely."
(Erin Dailey, "Breaking Point," page 3, Television Without Pity,

Made-up citation: "Our line of non-surgical-glove-clad spokesfembots will efficiently meet your housework and wetwork needs."


noun. Approximately a frozen metric truckload of smooth, creamy, treacherous-type activity.

Real citation: "Indeed, the general impression is that even this big figure is but the tip of the corruption-berg that everyone knows sits in the top echelons of the State and Central officialdoms."
("Rotting Through!"

Made-up citation: "If I had a sliver of real power, the tip of my corruption-berg would be like a Washington Monument of felony, perjury, and sleazery."